(a more upbeat race report will follow when i am able to muster a better attitude. if you don't like self-loathing, skip this post...)
I have a very bad habit of undoing my accomplishments. Of deciding that they weren't worth much. Or that despite my accomplishment that it doesn't reflect anything about me.
My dear friend Cathy just sent me video of me running down the beach to the finish line yesterday:
The first time watching my heart rate went through the roof. How exciting! As I come into focus, my attitude toward this person (me) changes. I look like a tank. Okay, fine, I'm running through ankle deep sand at the end of a half marathon, at the end of half ironman. Okay. Okay. But I look like a tank. Or a bull. Not a runner. I hate that.
Seeing official race results and realizing my 3:09 on the bike was 6/7 in my age group wasn't awesome either. 3:09 blew away my projected time. 3:09 blew away my A+ fantasy time. 3:09 was faster than I have ever ridden before. 3:09 felt amazing. But today 3:09 sounds about 10-15 minutes too slow. And I know I could not have gone faster. (Or I could have gone faster but I could not have run 13 miles afterward.)
Mostly I'm angry with myself as I watch this process unfold in my mind.